Perhaps this is where the sirens sing?

If anyone still reads this, post some comments on this entry. The last one someone left was regarding Ian when I was dating him, and I don't like seeing his name or thinking about him, but it pops up on the home screen.

Halloween is tomorrow. I am doing nothing. which is.. disappointing. But, what is there to do? I still love october and halloweeny things, but growing up is depressing. The seasons pass in what feels like days, the nostalgic buildup for the holidays still lingers, but the events themselves have no magic left in them.

It's scary how cut off I am. Or how cut off I feel. Maybe it's just a funk. A habit of mine is to go through my phone when I am bored or lonely, and text people who might be around to talk or whatever, but now i just scroll through and find nobody. Same with AIM for the most part. Everyone close to me has strayed cept for Ri. I feel like I am at a point in my life, where it is getting harder and harder for me to relate to people not at the same stage of life as me. But there are exceptions, so maybe I am wrong. I am still glad I have keith here. We watch movies, and go do stuff together a lot, which keeps me sane. I've been trying to dismiss these control issues i have, that i got from my mother. It anger's me a little bit that it's programmed into my brain. I have been very possessive of the house, and I wanted to regulate keith's use of it.. But i kept my mouth shut. I am spelling out the logic in front of me that.. he's not doing anything that actually bothers me, just the traits i got from my mother, shining through... It's basically this. it should be, if you have, share with your friends if it's of no expense to you. But she always followed; if you have, control, and dangle that conrtol above everyone, making sure they have a constant reminder that you have it. Thats fine, unless it's with a friend. I wish my mother wasn't such a cunt. But it is scary because i found myself saying things I have heard her say, and hated her for... so i put a stop to it.

Still haven't heard from the old landlord, which is good. I am still lonely though. I don't mind being cut off, and wasting my life away on movies and video games, I just want someone to be with. I complain that I am bored, or feel like im wasting my life, but if i had love it wouldn't matter.

Story of my adult life.

I should go to bed. Happy Halloween.

So I moved again. It was a spur of the moment decision, and probably the fastest move ever... I was browsing craigslist Tuesday, found an amazing place, met the landlord Wednesday, and moved in Saturday. So I now have a huge place in w. Warwick. It's nice. quiet, everything is brand new, 10 minutes from work. I am saving so much money on gas and and water and heat it's great. It's just far away from everyone. Oh well, I will use it as an opportunity to make new friends. God im tired.. I am going to lay down.

Life is going ok. Keith being around really has helped my peace of mind. it's amazing how much lack of human interaction will make you crazy. But I have been doing better, and not stressing out as much. I've also invested in incense and wine, which create a very relaxing environment at home. I feel less lonely, and more confident which is good. It also means I have a lower tolerance for rudeness, since I and not desperate for friendship. Which is a good thing. The band is finally starting to move on. We are almost up to speed with all the songs and sound good. Chie quit the band last week, but I am not really upset about it. She hadn't learned anything except the song she recorded, and she's had two months. Besides the last few months shes been kind of a shitty friend, and been so self involved she didn't even realize it. We got into an argument, and she quit and that was that. It's a little sad since we were close friends before all the hemlok business went down, but things change, and I have no tolerance for people who insult me, so I'm not about to chase her down. Besides, as much as I like violin, it sounded abrasive and out of place on a lot of the covers. Kevin and I would rather have a keyboard player, which could be a little more dynamic, and fit better sonically. I went to Tazza with Kevin, and Ri friday night in an active effort to mend things with jamie.. or at least get to a point where I can deal with her. There are still a lot of reasons why it is hard to respect her, but my relationship with kevin is more important than my dislike for jamie, so I am really trying extra hard. So yay for progress and happy thoughts!

Dinner with Ri tonight, and watching more of the IT crowd with her.

It's therapeutic to a degree. Plus i spend a lot of time sitting at the computer doing nothing at night, so I have no excuse not to. Plus sometimes when I go back and read, i learn things about myself.

So some optimistic news! I was planning on moving when my lease was up, because this place is too big for me, and I am just wasting money by paying for space I don't use. I didn't really look for places that hard, and honestly, I am not ready to move, so it looks like I am staying put for a little longer. I just got a call from Keith however. He is moving back to RI from Louisiana, and needs a place to stay. I had offered it to him had he decided to come back, so he is going to come stay with me for awhile. I am really excited. We never really got to see too much of each other, but for some reason I consider him close to me. Given how mental I have been lately, I could really use the company, plus the extra money will come in handy. 2 weeks in counting!

There is a DISCLAIMER for this next section. I know this is not my business anymore, but because of the situation, it still affects me, and therefore, I want to talk about it.

So the leaving Hemlok initiation has been initiated for kevin and chie. I am relieved that it finally happened.. not that I didn't trust them, but it was still an ongoing conflict internally for me, of loyalties and devotion. I am disappointed however, as to how it was initiated. It makes no difference in the long run, but I wish it had been more personal. I understand why a non-conflictual (is that a word? if not, it is now, it sounds cool) approach would be preferred, but I feel like we had the chance to penetrate john's fucked up reality, where he is the victim, and has done nothing wrong, by banding together. Instead i feel like he regards my leaving as part melodramatic, and part because i would rather do SQ. Kevin's leaving because he wants to play guitar and make money, and chie's leaving because she doesn't have time and enjoys SQ better. That's all good, and in the end, it doesn't matter if john learns a lesson or not, cause what the fuck do i care? But the facts of the matter are, had john not been such a manipulative, arrogant, control freak, then we would ALL still be in Hemlok living happily ever after and that HE and his attitude, are the reason his band has fallen apart. But again, i should be focusing less energies on spite, and more on moving forward with something i enjoy, with people i enjoy. Loneliness has led to a bitterness that is slowly becoming a part of me, and i really don't want that. Besides, i still get to do an evil smirk knowing that John is now stuck paying $400 a month rent on the rehearsal space he neglected to ask us about signing a lease for.. and owes Kevin $1200 for the merch he paid for. That should be enough to appease my hunger for spite. Oh and Seeking Quiddity's un-rivaled success of course!!!!

I also found out that a band I like "The Birthday Massacre" used to be called "Imajica" which is from the name of a Clive Barker novel, and it made me really happy. We all know how I like Clive Barker themed band names!!!

I am not sure if I am losing touch with reality, or becoming more in touch with it. Things the past few months have been bad. I am aware they are, but I am unable to fix it. Something is wrong with me. I'm am pretty sure it is stemming from me being lonely. But I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Ri agrees with my theory, which gives it more credibility, since she is a therapist, that everything that has been happening is my minds way of dealing with loneliness. I don't get depressed because I am too strong willed for that, but this shit thats been happening is freaking me out. I went through a period where if i was alone for more than a few hours, i would freak out. Now I am the opposite, and spend entire weekends alone in my room. I have been forgetting things that I KNOW I know. I act fine. and i AM fine, but.. i know something is not quite right. Boys that I liked that rejected me but remained friends, are talking about the dates they are going on, or they boyfriends they have. Jesse only makes an effort to hang out with me every few months now that he has a boyfriend. He had a birthday party, and didn't invite me. Anyone i might have been able to substitute for romance is gone. Ian comes back from chicago soon, but that is probably more unhealthy for me than not. The days go by too quickly, night comes too soon, daytime comes too early. I need love. Bad. to the point where i know i am going to latch onto the first thing that comes my way and probably get hurt again, but i just need it. If things get worse? I've never been so not in control of myself. God only knows where i will end up.

Ok, not really. It was just the first thing that came to my head for a title.

This weekend was good. Friday night We had a bonfire with Barry, his friend Caserra (sp?), Chie, Carl, and Phil. Sat around with marshmallows and guitars. It was good. It was sort of a science experiment on Barry. I still have no idea what his deal is. I figured he was just being sketchy, but even after he realized he made a double set of plans, he insisted on still coming because he really wanted to see me, and asked if his friend could come along. So, it was the first time he met my friends aside from chie, and that I met one of his, which makes it less sketchy i guess. Usually if you are going for fuck buddy, you don't do that.. We went to IHOP later that night and had fun, and didn't get home till about 4 in the morning, which sucked cause we had to get up at 8 to bring his friend home for work. She asked if he was sure he wanted to sleep out tonight, giving him the opportunity to get out of staying over my house, since we wouldn't get any sleep, but he once again insisted, and we spent 4 hours cuddling and napping, though I didn't get any sleep. Which, also makes me have no idea what he's doing... Are we dating? is he a cuddle slut? He whispers nice things to me once we are curled up in bed together. About how im such an awesome person, and i care about my friends, etc. It's very confusing. I ma still trying no to get attached, and it's working so far. I wish we were dating though, it would be nice to have that all the time, and not have to wonder about what it is.

I am seeing Ian once last time before he goes to Chicago. We are supposed to go to P-Town this coming Sunday. IF he doesn't flake. I have no idea with him anymore, and have lost a lot of respect. He was just the last person to make me feel really special and loved, so part of me still associated him with that, and isn't letting go. Hopefully we can have a good time. I asked him to spend the night, though I don't think i got an answer. I just want to be able to get that closure so to speak, since we sorta broke up over the phone. Curl up with him one last time. Maybe ask him about the whole situation so i don't have to wonder if it was the truth, or if hes jut too caught up in college party life to have a relationship. I don't think i could date him now, I've seen too much of his priorities, and his personality.. I was just blinded by the attention he was giving me i guess. Like i said, it's not him that is sticking with me, it's the feelings he used to stir up.

I have also recently gained another PA friend through Eric. His name is Mark, and he is really nice. We've become fairly close, fairly quickly. Not like.. i want you to be my long distance bf close, but we talk a lot which is cool. It helps being lonely when you have someone there who just wants to hear about your day, and joke around with you. It has really helped a lot actually. Chie and I are planning on a camping trip in PA so we can go visit Mark and Eric. It should be fun. A Summer highlight. I am so glad Chie is not moving away.

That's it for now i guess.

So it seems that all the friends that swayed my decision about staying in warren and not moving to warwick for work, aren't even going to be around this summer. I am aggravated. and lonely. i need to make some new friends, but don't know how.

And as is tradition lately, livejournal eludes me. I have been sucked into
the dregs of having a normal life i suppose. My week consists of me
telling myself I am going to go into work early, but then waking up at 9,
and going in for 10. Work is fun when im being productive. Boring when im
not. The weather is so nice, but I inherited my mother/grandmother's
agitation to it, so unless I am in AC i just feel hot and uncomfortable. I
get home around seven, promising myself I am going to do something
productive, and never do. I usually just sit in front of my computer,
hoping something entertaining will happen. My heart still hurts from Ian,
my brain still hurts from Barry. Many of my close friends have
dissapeared.. Busy with school and work, among other things. Hemlok is
about to fall into chaos, as Jay is leaving, and we need to find a new
drummer. And then a few months later, a new violin player.

It's not all complaint really, I am just in a state of bored lately. I
want to, NEED to, adventure, and just don't have the will. I don't have
the will for a lot of things, that I need to change. I need to drink more
water. Be more active. Eat better. Be healthier in general. I seriously
end up sitting in front of the computer for at least 4 hours a day. I need
to fix my bike tire, and get a fat ass person seat, and spend my evenings
listening to music on the bike path, going to bed earlier. waking up
earlier. Get my self into a state of mind that dosen't need other people
around to feel content. I don't know if i actually have the motivtion to
do it, but I have been telling myself this for the past few weeks, so
maybe it's genuine. It sounds like it would be refreshing if i got into
it. Get home from work. Make a healthy dinner, like salmon and broccoli or
something. clean up. Go for a 2 mile bike ride, come home, shower, go to
bed. In theory.. though I am doubtful that when I get home and it's humid
and im tired, that i can bring myself to do it, but maybe if i force
myself it won't be so bad once i get going.

Relationships I have to take in straide right now, until I am completely
ok. I am seeing Ian tomorrow, but I don't think it will be a big deal. I
am not expecting anything of it, so theoritically I won't be upset by it.
But i do thing he is cute, and fun to be with, so whats the harm in
spending time with him? Same with Barry. He dosen't want to date because
he isn't ready, but he likes spending cuddly kissy nights with me, but
then when i express interest, likes to play hard to get, so i just won't
play. If he wants to get together, thats fine, but I won't go chase him
down.

I've also decided that I am no longer looking for another roommate, i
can't live with anyone else. I can afford it on my own, even if it is more
than my friends morgage. I can always move later if i need to. The ride to
work will probably shorten soon when they open up the new ramp to 95
south, eliminating (hopefully) the traffic on the split. So i dunno. I
like warren, and being off the bike path, and still being in the vicinity
of the tiverton/fall river area. I am getting another kitty, so Isis will
not be lonely. Mandy and Vaaga are giving me Zen which will be nice, since
Zen is a cuddly kitty.

I got my sister a GPS for her birthday, which she loved. I won best
present. I have also been passive agressivly rubbing the fact that I am so
successful in my mother's face. I e-mailed her from my work e-mail to ask
laura's shirt size, so she could see the company e-mail signature, and my
title, and know that I have an awesome job, and I am not struggling like
she probably hopes I am. I also made sure laura showed her my present, so
she can feel shitty since she didn't get laura much, and has a shit job,
and is always complaining how hard life is. I'm glad she can taste it now.
Thanks for making it so hard for me. Now I am doing incredible, and you
are struggling. God i love irony.

The first, partial lighting of waterfire was this weekend. We only went
for like a half hour, but it was nice, and I miss it. Made me a little
nostalgic for romance, but it was still nice.

Alright, I should get back now.

So at least once a week i think about how i want to come post a live journal entry, because so much has happened, and I wanted to just get it out and get it down, and maybe then I can forget about it. Life is still adjusting itself, for the better, but it's not a fun process. Ian and I still aren't happening, and are not going to happen. We are still "friends" but I don't actually know how much truth lies in that. I felt so strongly towards him, it's hard to explain why, and got hurt really bad. And now he either doesn't really care or is actually so busy that he cant even respond to e-mails, so.. either way, I don't have the patience to deal with that. I still think of him fondly, but like him or no, I am too strong willed to let myself be dragged about by it.

Jamie is finally out, and I can't deal with her AT ALL right now, maybe ever. She really is a dumb bitch, who got herself into the situation she is in, and instead of working hard to fix it, shes just whining and expecting other people to account for it. And unfortunately, Kevin DOES try and account for it. So shes playing fake house at his place most of the time, getting what she wants, and not having to do anything for it. I can't stand people like that. She took the liberty of not getting her stuff out on time, and on her last trip, thought i t would be nice to make herself food, and leave me her dishes. She is not allowed at rehearsal anymore, and when I am recording at Kevin's house, she is not to be there either.

So I am trying to turn the spare room into a rec room. Put my music stuff in it, the Hemlok shrine, etc. Friday night Tyler brought an HD projector over, and we turned the room into a movie theater. I want one, but they are way too expensive.

Been hanging out with Phil more, which is good, though he's got it bad for Chie, which makes me uncomfortable. Mostly because I am bitter that all my friends just see someone they like and get together, while i am alone. Partly because when they break up, things get awkward. I actually kinda sortof met someone as of last night too. Though I am not sure what direction it is heading. His name is Barry. Jessie Simas actually knows him from school, and I remember meeting him for a few seconds like 6 years ago while Brandon and I were visiting RIC. Never thought we'd end up on my couch snuggling and making out. He recently broke up with an ex though, so I need to make sure this isnt just a rebound for him. And i need to make sure this isnt a rebound for me, because thinking of Ian does still stress me out, and I am actually afraid to get hurt like that again. But I know better than to pass up this oppertunity if it is one. Barry is really cute, and really smart. He acts pretty silly, which will take some getting used to, but he fits the mold of my type. He's older than me, but acts a little younger, and is still in college. Really sweet though, and fun. (Loves anime, ugh, but it's not like im not used to that charaistic).

Ok i have to go, Chie and I are in the studio all day today.

Happy easter though.

Lets recap the last few weeks.

Hyundai's mailserver caught a nasty virus, resulting in 15 hour work days of me driving directly from Astro-Med in W. Warwick, to Fall River, and working till around midnight.

I found out how my grandfather had died 6 years ago. He went crazy, probably from post-traumatic stress. Started drinking heavily one random day, got a gun, put one bullet in it, forced my grandmother to sit at a table, and made her watch him play Russian roulette until he blew his brains out all over her.

Jamie and I are no longer friends, for a lot of reasons. She has always been a shitty friend. Selfish, only talking to me when she had bf issues, and not being there when I needed. She's moving out in a month, which, I can afford this place on my own, but I'm not too happy about my rent doubling. I had a lot of plans for that money.

Ian told me something I am unable to disclose here, but it was intense, and made me really have to think about how I felt, and how I wanted to handle it.

I almost died, from some asshole not realizing traffic was stopped on the braga bridge, and thought 100 mph was a good speed to go until he was about 10 feet behind me. Missed killing me by a millimeter, swerved left, spun out, smashed into the left side of the bridge, ricocheted, almost kills me again, and smashes into the right side of the bridge.

I decided that I really liked Ian, and I would be willing to make things work. But I never really got to tell him, because he called me at 1am, to tell me WBRU gave him a promotion, which means like an extra 30 hours a week, and he just doesn't have the time for a relationship, even though he really really likes me.

Found out Jamie lied to me, which really seals the lack of friendship deal. She told me she told Kevin about how she had cheated on him, and she didn't. She had made up some lie and told him that. I talked to Kevin, and so did Ri. We both put a lot on the line to tell everyone exactly what has been going on. And the result? they didn't listen at all. They are still so far up each others ass. In fact it may have strengthened them. Apparently you can lie, and sneak, and cheat in a relationship, and still be fine these days. How come I do everything right and I am still alone? I am not going to lie, I am bitter, because now Jamie is most likely moving in with him, which just pisses me off, cause now im throwing money down the toilet for rent, while she gets free room and board from Kevin that she does not deserve in the slightest.

I need a hug, seriously bad.

When I said 2009 was going to be a great year? I really fucking meant it. So many things I could talk about... The job is going amazing. I love it, im great at it, I don't have to worry about money... It's incredible. And the band is doing good. Chie is almost up to par, we've been playing shows left and right. And last, but hardly least, I finally met an amazing boy. His name is Ian Gray, which is actually kind of awkward, since i know another Ian Gray from tiverton... and he was weird as fuck. But this Ian isn't He is super cute, and goes to Brown. He's really smart, and we have identical senses of humor, are in love with sarah silverman, lisa lamponelli, muse, and tenacious D. I introduced him to Ab Fab tonight, and he's hooked. We had a super fun night tonight.. Went to the movies and saw taken, then came home and made dinner, and watched Ab Fab and The Pick Of Destiny while eating jello shots I made and snuggling. We didn't want to leave which was adorable. But he had to be on the air at 2am, cause he is a DJ for WBRU. I am listening now and told him i might fall asleep to his show, since i probably wont make it up till 6am. He just wished me goodnight on the radio... it was the cutest thing ever.

As of right now. things are really good.

Another great day at work, though once again I am so very tired. I am working on much more complicated feature adds now, so I don't really need to converse with anyone. So I just listened to starsailor on my ipod all day and programmed, amazed at how peaceful it was.

The horror movie hilary was in came out on DVD, So we had the viewing at my house. There were about 8 of us. Fetus was the name of it. I was impressed though, it was incredibly good. And I have now seen just about all of hilary, and the shapes of her hoo hoo hair. Whatever, it's not like i haven't gotten drunk and made out with her before.. Was i drunk? I don't even remember.

I was supposed to go out with Tiff tonight, but I canceled cause my throat is acting up. I am still going out to dinner at 8 with my cousin, so i can buy a $300 phone off her for $150. Isis needs to go to the vet, but I work all day, so i might ask jesse of my sister to take her. Ill just have to give them a bunch of cash to cover whatever the bill is.

And John gave me The Birthday Massacre CD to listen to, which i loved, and once again am inspired to get with someone and start an industrial project. Can never find anyone willing who is decent though.

Things are starting to settle in with my new sleep schedule. Not completely, but it is getting better. And I am getting cured of my internet addiction. I don't know if its sitting in front of a computer screen for 8 hours a day at work, or just that i am tired, and have little day left when I get home, and don't want to waste it, but something working, which is good. I am eating less also.. don't know why. I think because I am less bored. Most of the time i eat out of boredom. So these are both good changes. I got my first check from the new job, and it was pretty exciting. even with taxes and stuff taken out, it was still like 2.5 x more than i used to bring home a week. I paid some late bills, so now I am all caught up. Work is getting more comfortable.. not the work, i was always fine with that, but the people. I feel like middle school again, but it's gotten better. I have made friends with most of the people in my department. We all went out to lunch on friday and had a good time. They said every once in awhile they all go to unos and grab a few drinks and catch a movie or something. sounds like fun. Everyone is so fun to work with and nice.

Hemlok had an awesome show friday. We got one of the hot female bartenders to wear our shirt, which was awesome, and there was a good crowd, who was really into us. Best show in a long time. Chie has been doing awesome. I am going to Tazza in a few minutes to see Jamie dance. I would rather go to bed, but Ri is begging me to come, so I am going to go. Bed will feel so good when I get back though. I have been talking to a boy. Im not really sure where it is going, but our conversation has been pretty down to earth which is cool. He is a DJ at BRU, which is also cool. He went to chicago to visit his family, but once he gets back we are going to go out, just as friends, and get to know each other. I am surprisingly not in a hurry, and would rather take my time at this point and meet someone respectable and secure, that i can keep around permanently. Life is still good, and getting better. 2009 has yet to disappoint.

I can't tell if this journal title sounded depressing or enthusiastic.

So I started my job this week. It's so much fun. Im not used to waking up at 6am every day, but it's getting better, and will continue to. Everyone is really nice, and its so laid back. Im getting shit loads of money for doing something i would do for fun. 8 hour days go buy like nothing. I am slightly intellectually tired when i get home, but that will pass too. I don't think i could have found a better starting job. I sense potential to move up here fast. and moving on would be incredibly easy. The software I am working on is in 3 languages, VB6, C++, and C#. The firmware I will be working with is in a subset of C, and we are going to be doing a rewrite and converting to .NET, so that's 6 languages right there. That is RARE. And I am impressing myself and my coworkers at how fast I work. The first day (technically the third, but the first 2 days consisted of paperwork, and policies) they gave me a tutorial on their development environment, a book on C++ MFC framework, and a book on integrating with data objects. They gave me their source to the program, which i s so large, even programmers that have been there for 4 years haven't seen it all. They introduced me to their source control software, and gave me a "easy" bug that needed to be fixed. They told me it should take about a week to get familiar with the tools and environment, and then i should give the bug a try. Also, I have used C# before, but I have never used C++ (other than it's C properties), and I learned VB in high school, but that was .NET, not VB6, which is very different. I ended up fixing 3 bugs that day. and 4 the next. They were impressed, and I was impressed, and they told me no one has gotten into the code that fast ever. I don't even know how i do it. In languages im not familiar with, in a program ive never used, I can somehow quite easily trace through code and functions that I don't even completely comprehend, and locate the bug, and fix it. Friday they gave me 2 more bugs, that were "a bit of a doozy" and had been put off cause nobody had the time to get into it, and told me not to be surprised if it takes a few days, regardless of how fast I've been doing things. I fixed the first bug within an hour, and the second bug ended up being 2 bugs, which i fixed before i left. And it's so fun! I missed lunch one day, cause i was so wrapped in the code that the whole day went by.

This is like my dream come true. A job that pays me enough that I don't have to worry about anything ever, that I enjoy a lot, and singing for a prog rock band. There are things I need to do with my money first, like pay my father back what I owe him, and buy things I need, like more clothes, and eventually a new car. I was pricing up washers and dryers today. I may go down to home depot next week and buy them so I do not have to go to the laundrymat or other peoples houses all the time. It will make things so much easier, and give me more time to myself, since i have a lot less of it now. Life is a little drab until i get used to the hours. But its not bad. I feel so much better about life it even amazed me. Ive been keeping my house pretty spotless, I even went in and worked at hyundai for 6 hours this morning, a Saturday, when i didn't have to. The extra money won't hurt, but I am surprised at my new found ambition. So yeah once i get used to the hours and stuff, life will be awesome, and before next year, my father will be paid off, giving me even more money to play with. Don't get me wrong, im not going to go on spending sprees, i will save up now, but i have no problem getting one thing at a time. washer and dryer, then car, once one payment is up, if i need/want something else, i will get it.

I have talked to a lot of people I have not heard from for awhile lately, it's weird. Colleen Hayes, Michelle Longo, Debra Hill, Abbey Fiola, Courtney Wakem... It's been good though. I had dinner with Cameron Ramsey last week, I saw Phil Kerr today. I was supposed to go to vermont with Kev, Ri, and Jamie today, but that got cancelled, so I had dinner with Phil instead. Tomorrow Keith is visiting from NY, which is cool. I have not seen him since I was in high school I think. Or maybe my first year of college. Next weekend I am hanging out with Cory. Things are good. Ok, it's midnight, which is way past my bedtime, I need to sleep.

It's Christmas eve, and a feeling of loneliness washes over me, but its a different kind then I am used to. All this time it is usually a feeling of loss. Missing what used to be. Remembering the good times, and the bad. Missing feeling secure. Missing being loved. All of that is still there, but in a different form. Life, up until now, has been a struggle. A struggle to be independent, a struggle to survive, a struggle to prove myself. I've made mistakes. I've changed. I've stayed the same. I gave up my pride a long time ago. I am what I am, whether you feel that it is pathetic or amazing. I feel like the end of this year will represent the end of a metamorphosis. Not because of the date, i just ironically fell somewhere significant. I feel like that struggle is over. I am so different than I was even just a year ago. So much change, so much to deal with. But now it is over. I start my new job at Astro-Med on the 5th, making more money than I know what to do with. I can pay all my bills with one paycheck. The band is only doing better and better. I have a few good close friends I can depend on. My life is finally converging and stabilizing. I am still missing love, but it will come in time. My new years resolution will be to start fresh, and make 2009 the year I started living.

So things are looking up i think.

I have 2 second job interviews this week. One of which i think they are going to offer me the job, which will be a serious end to all my troubles. I had enough money to buy some food this week. Everyone says I am looking thinner. Jesse even told me he is starting to like me as more than a friend (which is ironic, since i got over him and wasn't pursuing him anymore.. not that im against it, i just wasn't trying) Hemlok is ready to get back into the swing of things, hard. Chie is up to par on, not all, but a set's worth of songs, and we are playing 3 huge shows. the Cask & Flagon, The Blackstones New Years Party, and Lupos! We have reviews in 2 magazines this month, which will get us a huge amount of publicity, and as soon as i can figure out how to rip a DVd to avi, we will have the TV interview online. We will be premiering 2 new songs this friday, and they are amazing, not to mention releasing the Acoustic version of masquerade online a week ago.

My problems are not solved yet, but this is a hopeful week.

Im alive, and have been managing to eat, which is good. Ive been living off of white rice and ramen still, and occasional donations from friends. Jesse has been over about every day again. its better this time though, now that im not torn up over him. We've been playing ps2 hack and slash games, it's been a blast. He is keeping me sane right now. Carl came over and brought me thanksgiving leftovers (which were not very good, his family must suck at cooking. But food is food, and the thought was really nice. We watched angel and shit the shit for awhile. Then i hung out with a kid i met online, who was nice. we watched movies and then i brought him home cause i was tired. I think my friendship with Cory has been damaged this weekend. no reason in particular, but I just have this feeling that it is, and I am usually right about things like that. Which is sad. aside from the fact that i like him, he was really nice and fun to hang out with. I applied at geek squad because i am desperate. I want Chinese food like nobodies business. but i cant have it. Ri says that it will all work out. That im losing weight from never eating (which is true), and that by the time i find a good job, ill be thin and hot, and rich from the job, and all the boys who rejected me will be like damn. And they should be. Im nice, smart, funny, talented. There's nothing not to like except my nasty body. oh well. fuck off.

So I overdrew my checking account and got hit with $165 worth of fees. When I put my paycheck in yesterday, it brought my balance up to $6. I don't think I have ever been this poor in my entire life. I have rent and insurance due next week. I supposively have 3 computer jobs lined up though, so just maybe with next weeks paycheck and compy jobs i can get the $600 i need. That's minus food and gas. Ive been living off whatever i can find. i had an egg and cheese omelet yesterday. Today i had oatmeal for breakfast. I have ramen. And white rice. enough to keep me alive.

I finally turned my heat on. It didn't work. I had to have the guy come down twice to fix it. now its on. Jesse stayed over last night. It was nice to see him again. Im glad we are talking again. I keep trying to get Nick to come back over, it was so nice with him the other day. I could never date him, and I don't think he would date me, but we make good cuddle buddies, and it was nice.

Cory slept over on thursday. It was so much fun. We went to visit professor valova, because she is amazing. She gave me some job hunting tips and we shot the shit for awhile. Then we went to lazergate to play mini golf cause ron lets us for free. I brought my little sister and het fag bf too. Then we went to Chinese buffet, and back to my house and watched Jesus Is Magic, and all of season 1 of the Sarah Silverman show. Then we played SNES games till like 3am. It was so fun, and I like him so much. He is cute, sweet, funny, amazing. I wish he liked me back. I would do just about anything.

So I kind of freaked out last week. Like a lot. I was having like a mild anxiety attack, it was scary, and not good. My friend Nick I. came over thursday. took me by surprise. Brought me cookies to make me feel better, gave me a big hug, and we snuggled and watched a movie. It was the nicest thing ever, and it made me stop freaking out.

I had a rifftrax party friday. Ron, Elsa, Chris, Jamie, and Cory came. Cory being the boy I really really really like and went on a date with tuesday that didnt go well. We are doing ok at being friends though. I adore him. Hopefully he will get more comfortable and maybe it will turn into something more. It was his first date ever. in his life. never mind his first date with a guy. He is cute, and shy, and nice, and funny, and adorable. *sigh*

We almost got into a bad car accident last night. A deer leaped in front of the truck in front of me, smashed his hood and windshield, and then came flying at us along with blood and glass. I had to swerve a lot to avoid hitting the flying carcass or the truck. We were ok, but i stopped to check on the truck. He had glass in his face and eyes. I called the police and his wife for him. Scary as fuck.

I hope i get a job soon. I hope i have a chance with cory.

I am upset.

I was getting to the point where I was used to not being able to meet anyone worth a fuck. I almost convinced myself that they just don't exist. Or that they are so rare that I would never find one. I honestly was believing that. I could meed people i really liked online, but they always lived so far away so it was more a lie than anything. But then i met cory, and fuck, for whatever reason i just felt attached to him. Got my hopes way up even though i didn't want to. And got fucked. again. I really really liked him, and he was perfect.

fuck this.
I still have not found a job.
jamie is talking about looking for someplace cheaper once the least is up in feburary. I cant fucking afford to move again, and i dont fucking want to.
my dad paid my credit card bill.

THINGS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS.